Embrace Love Despite a Fear of Abandonment

Updated : Oct 23, 2019 in Articles

Embrace Love Despite a Fear of Abandonment


Welcome to Arien Inspires, an online webseries
transforming the personal development field and making it more inclusive for those of
us living with mental illness. Are you so afraid of being abandoned that
you cling to loved ones or keep them at an arm’s distance away? Maybe you sabotage relationships when they
become too connected or your frozen in fear when it seems like someone might be stepping
a little bit away. Fear of abandonment is a real thing, but coping
with it is totally possible too. You can still have this fear, but treasure
all of your relationships, love yourself, and know that you can get through any outcome
in any relationship that you have. The fear of abandonment can come from a lot
of different places. Sometimes it was abuse during childhood, sometimes
it was parents being divorced, or perhaps you just never had a place where you felt you could
call home. Sometimes, it can form in our adult life when
we’re invalidated, pushed away, or we’re threatened in an emotional sense. We can feel like we’re being abandoned, like
there’s a crucial part of us that’s being forgotten about or kicked out. At some point in our life, being abandoned
was some sort of threat to our survival. As children it could have been very literal,
without a parent or some sort of guardian figure we may not have been able to survive
on our own. We still made it through, but that didn’t
mean that the fear was any less real. As adults we can fear for our emotional survival. We can feel like, if we’re abandoned by this
person, that we won’t be able to survive alone. Or that we’ll emotionally break in a way that’s
irreparable. We fear that we can’t handle the pain of someone
leaving. It’s a common fear, but this doesn’t make
it easy to live with. So many of us are hesitant to love or get
close to people that we really care about because we’re afraid that they’ll leave. So how do we handle this fear in a way that
allows us to treasure the relationships we hold most dear? Coping with a fear of abandonment requires
a few things from us. First, we need to recognize that we’re capable
of standing alone, that we can survive being alone if we’re abandoned by someone. You are here and, if you’re feeling abandoned
right now, know that you are standing alone and you’re doing so strongly. You have that courage and that strength already
within you. You are surviving, you’re capable of going
on and you’re continuing to do this every single second. It may be overwhelming and scary, but you’re
still able to do this. You can keep going. So one of the key things that is crucial for
overcoming the fear of abandonment or living with it is to know that you are capable of
continuing on all by yourself. That you have that strength and that resilience
within you. To continue even when you’re alone or even
when some people that you really loved have left you. You don’t need anyone else to bring you joy,
to survive, or to guide yourself through this world. You can do all of these things on your own. You can even find those supportive connections,
the kind you need right now. You have that ability, you can do all of this
on your own, regardless of people leaving or coming or going in your life. Remember, you have survived abandonment before. You’ve pulled through the pain and the grief
and the struggle of it and you’ve made it through. Let this be a reminder that you have the strength
to do it again if it’s ever required of you. Trust in yourself and trust in your ability
to survive any incredibly difficult experience. Another crucial thing, is to accept the natural
impermanence of relationships. There’s no relationship in this world that’s
guaranteed to last forever and it’s something that we all need to come to terms with and
try to make some peace with. Now I know that this is a difficult truth,
so don’t dive in too fast and feel like you need to totally accept it all up front. It’s okay if it takes some time to sink in
and it’s okay if it’s something that brings up a little bit of fear. Just start to recognize that relationships
come and go and that, no matter what, it’s worth having that love in that moment. Start just by recognizing that you can honor
a past relationship and all of the good memories even while grieving the loss. You can be grateful for the connection that
you had with someone even when they’re no longer in your life. Those good memories you have will stay with
you and the impact they have on your life will last as well. Treasure these positive things and you’ll
find more peace in the impermanence in all relationships. Another crucial thing is to learn to feel
safe in the midst of intense emotions. Essentially when we’re experiencing overwhelm
or grief or pain or any sort of really strong emotion, we need to know that we can survive it. We need to anchor within ourselves and know
that we can get through it. One of the reasons that we are so afraid of
being abandoned is that we think that losing the person with cause a grief that is just
too intense for us to handle. When we know that we have the strength to
handle these intense emotions, we can then feel safer getting close to people. We can feel safer bearing our heart and sharing
some of the deeper parts from within ourselves. We can let ourselves feel vulnerable in the
face of beautiful love and we can peacefully accept if a relationship comes to an end. You can come to feel safe in your emotions
by recognizing that they are not larger than you. That you are a vessel that contains the emotions. To do this, find something to anchor yourself in. Maybe it’s your breath, that you pay attention
to who you are with your inhale and exhale. Maybe it’s something like a stuffed animal
or a touch stone or something that just keeps you grounded and allows you to hold on to
while you’re experiencing that intense emotion. Whatever it is, give yourself something to
grasp, whether it’s internal or something that you’re actually holding during intense
emotions. This can be an anchor that will help to remind
you that you can get through it and that all that you have to do is focus on that anchor
and let the emotion wash through you and over you. And, above all, remember that it’s not your
fault when someone leaves. You are not in control of the decisions that
other people make. You’re only in control of your larger reaction
to the experiences of your life. So when you focus on the control that you
do have, then you can make peace and understand that it’s never your fault when someone else
decides something, even if that decision is to leave a relationship that they’ve shared
with you. Remind yourself of this and remind yourself
that the best decision you can make is to open yourself up to love. You can continue to allow this to flow into
your life and to know that, no matter the outcome of any relationship, you can pull
through it. Love is an exquisite thing and it can bring
so much joy to our lives, especially when we have the opportunity to share it with another
person, whether that’s for a really long period of time or even just a short glimmer in our life. When we hold people at arms length or we push
people away when they get too close, then we’re hurting ourselves too. We’re not allowing this beautiful love into
our lives. We’re letting fear control our lives. And hey, we all have times where fear rules
our life, but the key is to work on taking conscious steps to work through it. To work through this fear of abandonment and
to know that we can survive it, no matter what happens in any of our relationships. So I’d absolutely love to hear from you. What are you the most afraid of in pursuing
close relationships? And, what is a step you can take today to
start to overcome or work with that fear? And, since a fear of abandonment is so common,
please share this with a loved one or on your favorite social media channel. It’s so important to let others know that
they are not alone and, when they watch this, they may get that message. They may really hear that they can pull through
it and it can make a huge impact in their life. As always, there are a ton more resources
over at UncoverYourJoy.com, so head on over, check it out, and leave a comment now. While you’re there, be sure to subscribe to
our email list. You’ll receive exclusive monthly self love
letters, weekly blog updates, and free resources I send only to my email community. You are so strong and I know that you can
survive, no matter who is or isn’t in your life right now. By keeping your feet planted in a place of
courage, you will head towards amazing relationships–the kind that will support you as you continue
to work through your fear of abandonment.

2 Comments

  • Another great video! This area is a real growth opportunity for me. I am coming to terms with the impermanence of relationships and trying to be more authentic in my new relationships rather than wearing a mask out of fear of rejection.

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